And before I reveal my "truth" I should share a couple of other truths with you. First, I had intended to write something completely different. In fact I wasn't even going to join the FMF party. But God took over so here I am. Also, I started writing and couldn't stop after my five minutes where up (plus my boy wanted me to make him a couple of eggs so I got interrupted half way through). So my five minutes was more like 10. Or 15. Give or take.
I've been stressed. I've forgotten to completely lean on God. I've forgotten how He has proven to be faithful to me over and over again. The right words come out of my mouth but somewhere along the way my mind become too overwhelmed. Stress and worry replaced faith.
Three weeks ago my boy had knee surgery and all I could think of was how I would pay that bill. And he needs to go to the dentist but that has to wait. And he needs braces....but that too will have to wait. And he needs to go back to have another knee surgery next year.....
The next week was a meeting at our local public school for the end of eighth grade field trip to Washington D.C., a trip that I've dreamed of taking with my boy since my daughter went 9 years ago. 9 years ago I was teaching preschool and working weekends as a waitress. I picked up extra shifts during the week so that I could send her and I vowed that when my son went I would go too. At the meeting I kept thinking, "Oh, I don't know if I can afford for both of us to go but we are SO GOING!"
The next day I received an email of an opportunity to go to Guatemala. Guatemala has been on my heart for a year. I sponsor a child in Guatemala and it would be so cool if I could meet her! The mission trip to Guatemala is scheduled a few weeks after the D.C. trip. I can't do both. I might not even be able to either. I cried that day as I read over the email several times. I cried as I read the list of things I would do while there, the people that I could help, the children that I could love on. I pleaded, "God, please?" And yet those tears were tears of defeat as I quickly thought that maybe God was teaching me patience, telling me that I needed to be at home. Patience to accept that my wants may simply be selfish desire and not His will.
And yet........did I even show faith that even though these goals seem unobtainable that if He really wants me to go He will make it possible? Because He can. How quickly I have forgotten the miracles that I have seen Him perform. How quickly I have forgotten that as a single mother searching for a home to buy for me and my children that HE gave me my hearts desires. I prayed and He GAVE! It was only just over a year ago that I prayed to Him to heal my daughter and He DID! I can hear Him disappointingly whispering, "Oh, Laurie, Laurie, Laurie, ye of little faith."
"You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." Matthew 17:20
Truth is I need to lay all my dreams and desires at His feet and say, "Thy will be done." I need to have faith that if Guatemala is where God wants me, He will make a way. Will you pray for me? Please pray for me to draw close to Him so that I can hear His voice, so that I can use discernment and wisdom to follow His will.