Sunday, February 14, 2016

Help My Unbelief

Ever have one of those days when you feel in a funk? A day when you just can't shake the crabbiness?

Today was such a day. Work started steady, and then it just got a little chaotic. The chaos that comes when I needed to be doing ten things at the same precise moment.  And the organized perfectionist in me who couldn't control her environment started to feel a little stressed. Stress brings out the crabby me.

And then I got home from work, later than I wanted. Missed church. And my feet hurt. And the moment I even thought about complaining of my sore feet I felt guilty because I had vowed, after hearing of neuropathic pain that my friend with cancer experiences as a result from her chemotherapy, that I will never complain about my aches and pains. My achy feet don't even compare to the pain which she experiences. I vowed that I wouldn't complain about my achy feet because I should be grateful that I can work. Grateful that I have my second "bonus" job on the weekends that I really enjoy which also helps pay the bills.

And then I reflected on my shortness with others. See, when I am striving to do my job well and all is chaotic I focus only on the task at hand and forget to see the person (or people) that are right in front of me.  I don't ever want to not see people. And I'm angry at myself. Me, whose goal in life is to love others well really failed today. In fact, I really sucked at loving well. And that regret? That regret of not loving well today? It just makes me sad and disappointed in myself. And crabby.

And then with a little more reflection, trying to get to the root of this crabby that has overcome me, the funk that I can't seem to shake,  I realize that the way down deep root of my problem is fear.

Fear of failing. Failing at loving well. Failing at commitments that I've take on. Commitments, each one very important to me and important to this life long mission of loving well. What if I fail? What if I'm just a big fat loser?

And God whispers, "Laurie, I've got this."
And I reply, "I KNOW! .........or at least I should know."

And then I'm disappointed once again in myself for my lack of faith and for my desire to control when I know that everything in this egg basket of mine needs to be placed in His mighty hands.

He has me in the palm of His hand. He is always faithful. He is always GOOD!

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.
And waves of grace cover me. And the crabbiness disappears. And I believe.